Valentine’s Day, also known as Single Awareness Day, is coming right up, ladies and gentlemen. Not a week from now, millions and millions of roses will be plucked, decorated, and delivered to expectant wives, partners, and girlfriends all over the world.
Restaurants are probably already fully booked for February 14. (If you want to keep your ladyfriends, make reservations as soon as you can. By “as soon as you can” I mean now.) Here on BaconTunaMelt, we won’t be giving you advice on what to wear or what to do on VDay. Instead, we will give you a few very helpful tips on what nomz to stay away from on your date, if you want to keep the romance coming.
|(photo from here, but I added the text)
Tip #1: NO CHEETOS
So you and your date decide to watch the most recent chick flick before dinner. For snacks, do not, I repeat, DO NOT get Cheetos. These cheesy, crunchy, corn snacks are the devil. By the end of the film, your lips, your forefinger and your thumb will have turned into bright orange. These cheese stains don’t come off easy too. Try rinsing it and you’ll still end up with a faint orange tint. You’ll be stuck with orange lips and fingers all night long. Not cool.
|Unless you’re this cute, no Cheetos. (photo from here)
BaconTunaMelt says: Get unflavored and unbuttered popcorn instead.
Tip #2: NO BOTTOMLESS ICED TEA
You see, in a date, you’re expected to keep the conversation flowing, you’d regale your date with your own stories and you are also expected to listen to your date’s stories. If you order bottomless iced tea, you’ll keep sipping from your cup and before you know it, you need to take a leak. This cycle keeps repeating itself every 15-20 minutes, depending on your bladder control. After the third time that you break the conversation to go pee, your date would be bored, and there goes your romantic setting.
|Having to pee every 15 minutes isn’t cool.
(photo from here)
BaconTunaMelt says: Order a regular sized drink instead.
Tip #3: NO KANGKONG
Fried kangkong in particular. These things are usually bigger than bite-sized, making you look silly when you take a bite and crumbs fall down the side of your mouth. Not sexy. Getting some of the green, leafy, soggy bits of kangkong stuck between your teeth is also not a pretty sight to see. They may be good, but they’re not worth ruining Valentine’s night for. Have them another day.
BaconTunaMelt says: For appetizers, order good ole’ Caesar Salad.
Tip #4: NO OYSTERS
This is pretty obvious. Even though those cheesy baked ones are extremely tempting, you’d have to rememeber that oysters on a Valentine’s day date is a no-no. No matter how tough you think your stomach is, oysters aren’t the easiest to digest. You don’t want to be expelling horrid farts all night long. Plus they’re are usually cooked with garlic, which does not help keep your breath smelling fresh.
|NO FARTING PZL! (photo from here)
BaconTunaMelt says: If you’re dead set on having seafood, you can settle for fish, it’s safer.
Tip #5: NO PESTO PASTA
Possibly the worst thing to order on your Valentine’s day date is the common pasta dish, pesto spaghetti. First of all, noodles can be sloppy. You think you’ve got it neatly twisted on your fork and then all of a sudden, a stray noodle unravels and plops messily back to your plate, or worse, on your shirt.
Your second concern would be the sauce. Pesto is usually made from chopped basil leaves mixed with oil and garlic. The soggy bits of garlicky basil gets stuck all over your mouth. They’re in between your teeth, on your teeth, on your lips, on your gums- they’re everywhere! And because they’re oily and chopped up into really tiny bits, they’re a bitch to remove. The smell of garlic stays for a while too. It kinna kills the mood.
|You don’t want to be this guy. (photo from here)
BaconTunaMelt says: If you want pasta on Valentine’s day, get an oil-based or tomato-based penne pasta dish.
And there you have it, BaconTunaMelt
‘s list of nomz to stay away from come the ultimate date night. Other than these, all you have to remember is to be your charming self and things will (most probably)
go well. I hope these tips help you get laid
have a great time on Valentine’s day!
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Mel is a developer by day, a couch potato by night, and a bacon lover at all times. She likes good noms, cute puppies, the color orange, and all things bacon. You may contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org
or anywhere via this blog.